Let's Make This Candid

*I can think of at least 10 people who hate me right now.

* I have trouble believing that anyone around me is happy

* I think I might go for it...just because it will hurt you. And I don't know what that says about myself.


* I don't understand why people can't just come out and say it. Say how you feel. I do understand, that sometimes it seems totaly unnecessary (especially when dealing with authority figures) but I mean, it all comes out behind their backs anyway. You just end up digging yourself into a bigger hole. Honestly, the only people who don't get it are the poor "children" who have to deal with a clinical observer of the human mind who's only goal is to bring the pain and suffering of the individual to rise his (or her) own benifit to a substancial point...which never really works out anyway. Cruel Intentions one might say.

I love you. "I love everything about you that hurts" Its funny....I think you have changed my life in more ways than you will ever realize. When I look at them, I can't help but think about you...and wonder why I wasted so much energy on someone who yeilds such little, lasting result. But god I just love you so much. I love everything about you. I love everything that makes you who you are...and I want you to be happy. I want you to be happy far far far away from me. If you aren't with me then don't be near me. So I can take what you gave me (or lack there of) and use it to provide for everyone else who was there for me when I was down on my luck because of you. All six times you left me. And every other time in between.

And, to you: A warning. I think you should know, before you get to know me any better...that I am a very fucked up person. Not the worst, but nothing short of what most people would consider a lunatic. And thats not going to change for you or anyone else. I will always be this way. And love it or hate it, I am who I am. And I am not going to hide that to "be with" a person. Because being next to someone, holding them, touching them, doesn't mean you are leaving any sort of impact on them.

News flash. You may have left me for her, but I did not lose you to her. The person she is dating, is not the person I was with. And I'm sure I am not the only person who has thought this about you. About me. People change when they think its helping someone else. When they really want to believe that what they have is important....that they are progressing somehow. I guess what it really boiles down to...is if you are a strong believer in "truth in acting" or if you think its all just technical. If you think happiness is enough, then I respect you for that. If I could be satisfied with simple happiness....my entire outlook on the world would change. But instead I focus on the intention behind the feeling and what really constitutes as real. I'm more complicated...but that doesn't mean I am right.

Maybe I tried to push too much of my way of life onto you when what you really wanted was something much more pleasing to audience. And, afterall, isn't that the point? Then again, you always said you were a method actor.
And I guess... Thats how you know.